authentic friendship - Sasha A. Katz

Lately, I’ve been meeting up with friends from points of time in the past. The kindness in each woman’s eyes is a gift. The stories they tell me warm my heart. The history between us brings me back to places and spaces that have meaning back then and meaning now. They open a door into their heart and they invite me to do the same. These girls are Fan The Flame Kinda Girls.

Offerdahl’s with Stella

I had breakfast with my dear friend Stella (all names changed in this post). When she started doing bible study with our group of girls, she had pre-pinned us as surface ladies who played perfect. She was pleasantly surprised when she realized the roots ran deep and judgment for the hard stuff we all go through didn’t exist.

Stella brought me so much joy when she told me about her thriving adult kids. Her two older boys found their way – – one as a dad and husband, and the other as a lead mechanic on a yacht traveling the world. Her little guy was becoming a plane mechanic and her relationship with her daughter was holding in one piece. She loves her job even with the layers of tension. This is the stuff that makes me happy.

The Grill with Trina

I met up with Trina at a prior stomping ground. As I waited a few minutes for her, I saw some old faces. So many memories bubbled up. Trina sat down and told me a tidal wave of good news. She started her own business, met a guy and was getting married in three weeks. Trina looked gorgeous and true to herself as the day I met her.

We had originally connected, I think, when I found her online, and asked her to teach middle school girls calligraphy at my office on the weekends. Trina was a huge part of my life in that she was a safe place when I was trying out/contemplating new business directions. And, she was and is an accomplished creator who put together my first workbook and later devotion.

How You Brewin Coffee with Michelle

I connected with another woman Michelle who I met years ago in a women’s fitness group. She became a real estate professional and I wanted to hear all about that transition. But, we mostly talked about other things. My girlfriend Sara explained to me that sometimes people see you in a particular light and it’s not easy to shift the narrative. I didn’t understand that, but now I do.

There are a few other people on my list. I’d like to see my friend Tia. She is so very deep that I have to be prepared to see a honest reflection of myself when I meet with her. That’s not always easy, but it’s better to lean into a bridge instead of apprehension. Perhaps I will reach out to her very soon.

Another working mom Jana is probably too buried in the weeds with young kids to meet up with me. I think of her as part of a time in my life when I was cohosting women’s networking meet-ups. She was so bright and ready to catch stars. What an honor to have known her for a short period of time.

Friendships Hold a Time, Space & Place In Your Heart

Relationships are such interesting creatures. The thought of a person brings you to a time and a place, and a feeling or feelings to go with it. The sight or presence of a person is both like an entry point to their lives and an internal reflection of your own self. The kinda people that I have an attraction to are those who without effort share a part of their lives. The kinda people who smile and listen in. The kinda people that say – Hey, nothing’s lost, maybe you are supposed to write about that. Or – I hope you get back in your sweet spot with work. I’m praying that for you.

Friendships Stay with You

When I was waiting for Trina, at the prior stomping ground, I was whisked back to the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I had spent in that place. The thousands of prayers at small tables looking across at a friend or friends. The meals, the green smoothies, take out lunches.

More than a decade of my life was spent working on my lap top at a table as I strived hard as a working mom aiming to be fully present for my kids. Those years have passed now. I don’t want them back in the way of a Time Machine, but I do grieve some for that long season of life that felt fortified and meaningful, where I felt needed – – for lack of a more dimensional word.

The building I was standing in held so many milestones, hard fought for things that mattered deeply to me. By the time I Ieft my friend and looked around again, I was, I think, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed codes itself as sadness for me. That’s just my INFJ, enneagram 9 self trying to grapple with the past, present and future in one deep thought. It’s overwhelming but it’s just who I am girlfriend. My friends know it and they build me up when I need it.

Friendship is a Two Way Gift

I’ve said – – Lately, I have been meeting up with friends from points of time in the past. I don’t know if I will plan any more of these meet ups. My introverted, extroverted ways take me in and out of making plans. But I do know that people are markers of where you are and where they are. When you connect, you receive a gift in the way only they can give. In turn, you give a gift only you can give. When you walk away, you take with you encouragement, joy and reflection. Their offering is what I would call a “fan the flame” kinda person.

Fan The Flame in Others

Are you a fan the flame kinda person? That runs deeper than fun to be around. It’s the kind of friend that willingly opens up herself showing the fullness of her joy and fullness of her troubles when she has them. When you look and listen to her, you know that it’s real and true; and in turn, you can choose to live, more real and more true. It may take a little soul searching and reflection after your time with her, but she’s one reason you’ll be more fully yourself.

As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy. I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure dwells in you. For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.

2 Timothy 1:4-7

Reflection Questions

What do you think it’s like to meet up with you? Do you think you are a fan the flame kinda girl?

When you meet up with people, are you able to listen with open ears? Can you let go of your life and day and listen in to someone else’s? Can you do it without trying to solve all the problems and just be present? Can you do it without judgment? Hard questions!!

Can you share openly whether it’s sunny days or gray clouds? Listening is a gift, but sharing is equally a gift. Are comfortable with both?

Can you be okay with your feelings after you meet up with a fan the flame kinda girl? Are you willing to be more real and more true? Will you take one small step to being more fully yourself?

I’m sharing some of my memories from this year so far – – these are all FAN THE FLAME kinda girls.

If you’ve been an authentic friend for any period of time, you know it’s synonymous with messy.

Mamas, messy friendship is best understood as the sometimes state of our home.

Think of the dishes, platters and wine glasses piled high after a really good dinner party. The crumbs and icing fingerprints on the dessert plates. The night was filled with story after story, eyes looking into eyes, dim light, flowers and waxy candles. You can’t have that much love and joy without the mess.

Think of the ping pong balls, candy wrappers, ten thousand water bottles and empty food containers draping your home after a multitude of teenagers have come and gone all weekend. They’ve eaten eight times a day. Laughed and talked at your dining room table. Crashed on your living room couch. You are happy and your house is messy.

Think of Saturday morning after a hard, busy week with little time at home. Dishes in the sink. Full kitchen trash can. Backpacks by the door. Mail on the counter. Clothes on the floor. The week ended in success but not without a mess at home.

(I don’t have an image for this one. Obviously.)

Messy isn’t bad. It’s what happens when you live authentically.

Friendship is the same way.

Whether you are on the look out for new friends. Reconnecting with old. Standing in places of tension with a current friend. A commitment to authentic is messy.

My grown-up story of friendship started about a decade ago when my two besties moved away. To no fault of their own, I was left with two small kids, the aftermath of the real estate market crash – – which means we were broke – and my dad’s cancer diagnosis. It could not have been a worse time to be left all alone.

Despite all of that, I genuinely sought out friends. I volunteered at my kid’s new school. I showed up at the weekly women’s work out. I asked questions and listened to other moms hoping to find a connection point and exchange numbers. I shared openly at bible study.

Sometimes that meant someone pulled me in and showed me the way. Sometimes that meant I had to weather the uncomfortable of not knowing anyone in the room. Sometimes that meant I determined who I didn’t want to be friends with.

That’s the way of messy. But after years of showing up and loving and giving of myself in the best way I knew how, friendships formed.

Once you find an imperfect place of belonging, the messy remains.

Over the last few years, I’ve experienced a necessary distance from someone I held so very dear to my heart. I experienced a friend pass me up for others over a point of hurt I never fully understood. I’ve felt a bit of frost from a friend that I hoped to be close to but found myself on the periphery.

This is part of living messy, authentic friendship. If you never, ever hurt, then you never, ever loved or cared with your full self in the first place.

Friendship can only be authentic when you love hard and care too much. Unless you are willing to get beyond the clean surface of your shiny kitchen counter, you will never find the layers of mess that sometimes lead to lifetime friendship.

Messy, authentic friendship means that you give time that you don’t feel you have. You give your gifts of love and care without a demand for a return. And, most importantly, you forgive wholeheartedly even if it takes many moons to get there.

On this road of time, care and forgiveness, some friends will move on. Some will stay on the periphery. And some will stay forever.

Often, we say that the gift is in the journey. However, I would say, with authentic friendship, the gift is eventually finding your people, your person, your tribe. The gift is truly wrapped up in the friend. The messy describes the journey.

There will be repeated obstacles when you choose to be an authentic friend in search of other authentic friends. It’s like the dinner party, the slew of teenagers in your home or a long work week. All wreak havoc on a clean, orderly home – or shall I say, your heart. But, a perpetually clean home has no war stories, joy songs or happy memories to laugh and share.

You certainly could choose to stay neat all the time. You certainly could choose to avoid the pain, work and loss of authentic friendship. You could.

But then, my sister, you would be defying all that God wrote about in His great book of life. He is the author of redemption. He creates beauty from ashes. He makes something of nothing. He allows some taking to exponentially bless on the other side. He expects mistakes so that He can show the way. Although His narrative is clean, reliable and orderly, the story line is wiped with tears, terrifying roller coasters and moments of unknown and anticipation.

If this is His story, then this is your story if you will embrace it.

He is never alone, and He gives you the gift of never being alone. His gifts are perfect, and He has already paid the price for the messy you will encounter as an authentic friend.

Sasha A. Katz

Tag: authentic friendship

Be A “Fan the Flame” Kinda Girl