How to Ask For What You Need

The Failed Enneagram Project

Last Spring, my good friend Sara and I attempted to listen to an audiobook on the enneagram. We both had read a starter book on the topic and figured we were on our way to something meaningful with book two in the series. Sara and I have in common that we are brainy leaning towards nerdish with learning and information; but honestly, most of our closest friends fall into that category.

The point is that we expected it to be fairly easy to become mediocre gurus on the enneagram. Mark my words, we did NOT become gurus on the enneagram. We made it through three sessions. I could not understand the triads. Sara had to explain wings to me. Then, we just stopped. Seriously, thank goodness. We were not onto something!

I suppose I could blame Sara since 7s give up when they get bored. I could also blame myself because 9s reflect others (through something called merging) and forget to have their own opinions. But Sara wouldn’t let me do that even if she was extremely bored. Like I said, we’re really good friends.

The Topic of this Blog?

Recently, when I asked blog readers to choose topics for me to write about this fall, Sara replied first. She picked this topic:

How to Ask For What You Need Whether You Get It Or Not

Her second pick was:

How To Be a Good Friend (Top 10 List)

If this blog post was for Sara only, I could merge these two topics.

Here’s why:

Sara and I have in common that we are married to our opposites. I know this is no big surprise that opposites often attract. But this is not your average cliché. Because we are married to our real, life opposites, there is a lot of our world that lives in the space of sisterhood. In other words, what doesn’t work in our marriages works out in friendships. So, it makes perfect sense that these two blog topics go well together.

Where do we go from here?

If you want more on the topic of friendship, then I am going to send you to a previous, popular blog post called This is a Messy Post About Authentic Friendship. I promise to write a Top 10 list very soon!

If you want more of finding your voice, Read on.

At the end of 2016, I lost my voice. I had never fully lost my voice before. Therefore, I had no idea what was happening or how to find my voice again. Losing your voice means that you no longer have actual words for what you are going through. You feel a sense of loss but can no longer describe your loss or know how to ask for what you need. Although I learned that I was depressed in that season of life, you don’t have to be depressed to lose your voice.

The Language of Requests

Here’s the deal my friends. There is a practice of living that helps you keep your voice or find your voice again if you’ve lost it. This practice is called the Language of Requests. I don’t know if that’s a universal term. My counselor, at the time, taught me this practice over a few years. I kept practicing it – – because it is hard for this enneagram 9. 9s tend to be happy to go along with whatever works for others and tune out. Thus, I keep practicing because this girl likes to swim at the bottom of the deep sea in her thoughts. If she stays in the deep too long without using her voice, she easily forgets to ask for what she needs.

What is the Language of Requests?

A substantive request.

Defined specifically.

Without an expectation of outcome.

Examples:

Friend, I am feeling sad. Would you hang with me by taking a walk at the beach with the dogs?

Roommate or spouse: Can you please do the dishes tonight before you watch the game?

I’d like you (employer) to cover my health insurance while I am on maternity leave.

Can you be my driver today while I run errands? (My actual dream)

These are substantive requests defined specifically.

No Expectations of Outcome

You can use your brain to think up words for the language of requests. But you will have to work on your heart when it comes to your expectations. The power within the language of requests is that you don’t NOT ASK because you suspect the answer is NO. You ask anyway. Yes! That is how you use your voice.

Whether with your spouse/significant other, friends or family, it can become easy to go with the flow. Some of that is a good thing. But when you lose yourself to a set of difficult circumstances, an unhealthy or toxic dynamic or a way of living that cuts off your needs and desires, you eventually sink. You lose your voice.

Spiritual Silence

Back in 2016 and much of 2017, I was so lost within myself that I could no longer hear my heavenly Father speaking to me. Yes, I lost his voice too. The loss of my own voice was a quiet falling that hurt, but the loss of my Father’s voice almost spiritually killed me. Those words sound dramatic. However, those words are truthful. The fraud of the silence kept me from so many godly promises.

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

Psalm 23:6

Don’t grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest.

Galatians 6:9

The Father is always at his work as is the Son.

John 5:17

Blessed are those who have not seen and believed.

John 20:29

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:5

Overcoming Dual Silence

The road back from this dual silence took several months, more likely years. I got brave (like the least amount of bravery one can muster to move one inch forward) and started to use the language of requests. I am sure my initial attempts were shaky and perhaps even went unnoticed. Seven years later, I can now ask for things that would have taken three weeks of preparation, several rehearsals and a therapy session.

As to the spiritual silence, I slowly learned to believe God’s promises over the quietness of my relationship with the Lord. I began to move into the freedom of the holy doubter’s tension where doubting and believing live together in faith. I chose to believe that He was speaking and working and moving in my life beyond my ability to hear or see. I learned to trust and hope with or without a tangible God.

Back to the Enneagram

Neither Sara nor I are the mediocre gurus we hoped to be. Even so, it is very fun to learn just a little. We both read The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. There is a chapter for each enneagram number. You can try to peg yourself and everyone you know as you read the book (which is what the book tells you not to do!).

If you prefer to do even less than that, but still want to have some fun, you can visit The Enneagram Institute and take the test for $12 or you can google to find a free test. From there, search your enneagram type on Pinterest and look at teachable images to learn more. That’s what I do! You can see what I have gathered by clicking here.

That’s all I got since I am less than a mediocre guru.

Love always,

Sasha

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How to Reflect in Four Meaningful Steps

The first quarter of the new year is coming to a close.

If you let it happen, the wisdom of all that you have become and learned will sweep with you into the next season. I like the sound of wisdom sweeping with me into the next season. However, something is lost if the holy magic doesn’t find a place to tangibly land. In other words, the wisdom needs a place to stick, and grow in you.

For me, tangible, fertile ground lives in my writing. When the magic transforms to words and the words release into the world, I can then take wisdom with me going forward as well as return to it when it escapes me.

In order to make your wisdom “sticky”, I’m offering you four steps to help you move forward. At the bottom of this post, you can click Page Two to read my First Quarter Reflection. Whether or not you have time to read my reflection, you will have all you need in these four steps to begin, or make deeper, your own reflection practice.

STEP ONE: Choose Your Landing Board

What is the sticky landing place for the holy magic that has taken place in your life? What is or where is the tangible landing board for your hard-earned wisdom?  

The answer lies within your gifting.

My daughter dances. My mom gives the shirt off her back. My grandma cracks one liners (possibly to your detriment). My son looks you right in the eyes. My friend Melissa hears and holds burdens. My friend Susie encourages you into believing again.

What is your gifting? That space is likely your landing board.

Don’t spend a ton of time choosing your landing board. That’s a lifelong adventure. Pick something for today and go with it. Choose the pen like me. Grab a stone from your yard and write a word on it similar to our brother Joshua after he crossed the Jordan. Make a collage of pictures for your wall or phone wallpaper. Get a temporary tattoo. Take a reflective, memorial walk for the purpose of honoring your hard earned wisdom.  

The point is that we need a space to commemorate wisdom. Without a stone of remembrance or a journal entry or visual or physical reminder, our humanity will naturally move us on to the next moment in time. If we make the good choice to reflect, the wisdom will not just sweep with us but seep into us.

STEP TWO: Understand Why Reflection is so Hard & Move Forward Anyway

Reflection is hard because it uproots the past. The past can be painful, or stressful or dumb. We don’t want to relive that again. We also get uncomfortable by the humiliation or embarrassment that may arise from reliving the emotion or fears that ran through us in months or weeks earlier. Last but not least, moving forward is so much more fun than moving backward!

Rather than hide from reflection, I look to sisters who do reflection well.

For example, my friend Steph has logged journals for decades. She goes back to the very day, one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago. She reflects on how far she has come. I aspire to her bravery.

Another friend Susie has a prayer journal that has taken her through the years. She goes back to cross off answered prayer. I love her discipline and ability to celebrate success and continue to pray through the not yet.

Therefore, don’t get stuck in your emotions when it comes to reflection. Remind yourself that skipping reflection also passes over the wisdom gained by the experience.

STEP THREE: Set Yourself up for Reflection

Reflection won’t happen without time, space and intention.

Reserve an hour of time before your world fires up. For me, that means before 8:30/9am when the work email and phone calls begin.

Or, in the alternative, look for an hour on the weekend when your home or space is quiet. Reflection rarely works when you are in a space where there are questions to answer, work to be done or people to serve.

Other than your home, you can choose a bench at the beach, a coffee shop plus ear buds or even your parked car. All of these spaces have served me well.

I highly suggest that you reflect around the close of each quarter of the year. That way, the repetitive, reflective flow will help your wisdom grow.

STEP FOUR: Begin Reflection

Even though I don’t find it easy, my heart draws me to reflection. Typically, I experience gratefulness for insight. At the same time, I have a sense of urgency that I’ll lose the holy magic if I don’t structure a way to remember it. Reflection starts with a feeling and then, with intention, moves to its landing space.

Since my life is mostly powered by paper and my phone, that’s where I start. I look at the paper I’ve accumulated (there is a lot of that). I also scroll the notes in my phone, my calendar and the pictures I have taken.

NOTE: It’s a good idea to consider how to make a paper trail of your insight so that when you aim to reflect and remember, you can follow the breadcrumbs.

As you ponder these insights, ask God what He is saying through that experience, event or impression. Wait. Think. Let the moment move past your own wisdom or understanding. Presume that God wishes to take you further than your own thoughts. Let your thoughts flow to Him and wait for His thoughts to flow to you. This exchange will lead you to godly wisdom. The kind you receive and record. The kind that only comes through quiet reflection.

Dear Sisters

You have all you need to begin reflection. The steps make sense and you are ready. I recapped them for you below.

For those of you who want to read my first quarter reflection, click Page 2 below. Love you Sisters.

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