How To Spiritually Reset in Nine Hope Filled Steps

Bucket List How To Series

Dear Sisters, it’s time! The season is changing. It’s time for a spiritual reset! I won’t begin to list the emotions or circumstances that you’ve been walking through, but I do know that now is a good time to refresh yourself. The facts of your life may not be changing at this exact moment, but God is present and here with us to increase our peace, encourage us to growth and lead us straight to joy. Take your time reading over these nine steps. You may read them over a few days or a few weeks. And, if you’d like to download the Spiritual Reset Card, click here. Love you girls so very much and pray this Spiritual Reset is just what you need!

Wake up Hopeful 

Because of God’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

In pressing, stressful times, I have found that the harder the struggle, the harder you will have to fight for your hope. Much of what makes hard times hard is that we don’t get to see the outcome in the trenches. As we fight for the people we love and work through circumstances to the best of our ability, hope can wax and wane – – not for any other reason than we are human. 

This past year, when I was walking through a long term difficulty, troubled over the future, scriptures taught me that God is not only the God of Love, but also the God of Hope. In the same way, when I look back to a season when I was suffering from depression and panic, again, it was hope that I learned to fight for. When I sit with people I love who are suffering, they also could use a showering of hope and encouragement.

May the God of Hope fill you with peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Each day that we go through hardship, we have a choice to shift our mindset from worry and anxiety to hope. We take our focus off the circumstances and turn our gaze to Him for an overflow of hope. As we cling to His promises, our hope grows and our flame does not go out. 

Even if today is excruciatingly hard, God’s mercies and compassions are new every morning. Our merciful, compassionate God is fully good. It is true that God does not always deliver as we expect or in our timing, but he always shows His  goodness. He has good outcomes for our lives, our families, and those we hold the dearest. Goodness will always prevail and His mercies are every morning. 

Challenge Yourself to Strengthen your Temple 

At the start of summer, I had such a good surprise!

A few years ago, I sat across from two good friends and told them that God had showed me that I’ve spent a lot of time growing my mind and spiritual self, but had neglected my body. God showed me a tangled bougainvillea vine as a representation of the state of my body. I had greatly overlooked how hard my body works to house my mind and soul.

Like most journeys, they begin small. I slowly stretched and moved and prayed in the darkness of the yoga room. God met me and strengthened me. He untwisted the vine and eventually showed me pretty pink blooms. Sister, your temple matters. Take some time to find something you can truly enjoy so that you can strengthen the beautiful body that God gave you. 

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Honor God with your bodies. 1 Corin 1:6

EnJOY and Savor the Small Things 

Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life (with the people you love) . . . Ecclesiastes 9:7-9

That’s right. Eat. Drink. Celebrate. Wear Fun Clothes. Invite People Over. Wear blue eyeliner. (I’ve been all summer.)

True, there is so much to worry about in this unjust, unpredictable world. Yes, there are dark days and grey clouds. Many things can’t be fixed. And, there is a lifetime of work to be done. But, scripture tells us to enJOY our days with a MERRY heart. So. Eat the good meal. Make a fun mocktail. Buy fresh flowers. Be festive and enjoy the small things every day. 

Find Your Sacred Spaces & Meet your Father Often

I’m not against the prayer closet. I’ve just never had one. I have a few favorite spots to spend time talking and listening to God. Here are mine. What are you sacred spots? 

My bed: I could start by saying that I’m one of those people who loves her bed. But that’s really not the whole story. Years ago, I learned what life can be like for neglected kids and trafficked kids. I also began to understand poverty and how special it is to have a safe roof over your head and a comfortable bed. From that point on, my bed became a place of gratitude. With an open, grateful heart, I spend a lot of time talking to God in my bed at night, sometimes in the middle of the night and in the early morning. This has become one of my sacred spaces.

Walking near the beach: I like walking beside the beach on the side walk. I walk by restaurants, through little parks with benches and pass the tourists and retirees. Most of what I see sparks creative thoughts that I talk to God about or ask God about. The beach is a special place for me.

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Mark‬ ‭1‬:‭35‬ ‭
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. Luke‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬

Love Others Through Hospitality & Invite People to Your Table

What does home feel like to you? It doesn’t have to be your actual home and it doesn’t even necessarily have to be a place. What makes you feel like home? 

I feel like home when . . .

  • I’m covered with a cozy blanket on a comfy couch with a yummy drink. 
  • I talk on the phone with a dear friend. 
  • I’m with people who have welcoming hearts that are open to listening and giving feedback. 
  • I receive a personalized present or card in the mail. 
  • My mom bakes dessert from scratch or goes to a special bakery and shares with me. 
  • A friend picks up the bill after an enjoyable coffee or meal together. 
  • I’m invited to a special event or someone else’s family party. 

This is how you love others through hospitality. You make a list of what feels like home to you and you do that for others. No-frills, no pretense, just do it. 

I’m sharing some pics that represent a spring and summer of hospitality for me! Some are on the giving side and some are on the receiving side. (Starting from left to right/description below)

  1. Spending the day with M prepping for her mom’s bday
  2. Looking at pics with my grandma at the nursing home
  3. Being surprised with a beautiful bday cake at my sister in laws
  4. “Welcome to the Table” celebration for my daughter
  5. Two girls who show up & with flowers (always)!
  6. Bonding with the next generation
  7. Speaking into each other after a women’s conference
  8. Creating welcoming arrangements for my home
  9. Our foster dog and Swiss foreign exchange student (Ha! He’s really like our nephew!)
Hospitality Verses: 
Luke 19:1-9 (Jesus’ first words to Zachaeus are let’s get together today!)
Luke 10:38-39 (Mary and Martha invite Jesus for a meal and to spend time with them)

Find Rest, Time is on your Side when you Walk with God

I came across this quote on Pinterest. You’re probably familiar with it. 

This is actually true when you are walking with God.  

Remember the sabbath and keep it holy. Exodus 20:8

Rest isn’t only about setting apart one day of the week. Sabbath is a mindset. 

Let’s state the obvious: there are seasons when we are strapped for time with little rest. Newborns sleep deprive a mama. Tax season drains the accountants’ body and brain. Finals week is the single focus for the college kid. Overwhelming seasons exist. However, the mindset of sabbath is a way to live.

One of my favs, author John Mark Comer tells us that rest is one of the ways of Jesus. Comer shares in his books that Jesus was never too busy and he made rest an attainable rhythm in his life. 

I am going to leave your personal definition of rest and how you schedule it to you and Jesus. You know your quirks and stressors and God will help you find your way to a sabbath mindset. Here are a few things to think about:

  • Define rest with your particular life and schedule in mind. 
  • Your rest doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. 
  • Throw off any guilt you may have about getting the rest you need.

Choose a Practice to Spark Creativity

I feel strongly about the life rhythm of creativity. My strong feelings have little to do with whether you or me can create beautiful art. Instead, creativity is a way to mirror our Father who has been creating since before time began. When we set aside time to ponder and be in awe of God‘s creation and the beautiful things of this world that he’s orchestrated through human expression, God has an opportunity to spark creativity within us. 

For me, this is the reason I always find my way back to writing. I spend time looking at God’s creation and beautiful things in this world. Eventually, I feel in awe of God and it comes out, at least in part, by writing. When I engage in creativity, the act of expression truly fills a part of my heart that feels pleasure when it speaks. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James‬ ‭1‬:‭17‬ ‭

My Creative Sparks:

  • Baking every week – – it’s fun and rewarding to make and share something good. 
  • I have a mindful lettering workbook on my home desk that I occasionally practice in. I have a goal to write prettier letters to my friends.
  • Beach walks so that I can look around and see what the Lord is showing me through my surroundings. 
  • I create Pinterest boards in certain areas of interest. Collecting things brings me joy.

Dr. Curt Thompson tells us (in my words) that the awe of beauty and creating beauty is actually part of what rewires our brains and helps heal us from suffering and trauma. Creativity is way to connect with your Father and grow deeper in your relationship with him. If that idea feels very distant to you, then think about your childhood or a season in your life when you felt extremely free. 

More Creative Sparks:

  • Try adult Legos. You can make all kinds of fun things like a succulent garden. 
  • Put a puzzle on your dining room table.
  • Learn how to make charcuterie boards. 
  • Reinvent your closet by creating new and fun outfits with thrift or consignment pieces.
  • Get a job in an industry you love, i.e. my friend Donna became a beauty consultant out of her love for the theater.
  • Go to a convention or special event with a group of friends to learn and grow in an area that sparks your creativity for months to come. 

With love, God created you with the ability to have creative sparks popping in your mind and soul regularly. If you’ll make time for creativity, the Lord will meet you there and life will become lighter, sweeter and deeper.

Sleep Well, God is Singing Over You

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬

When the night falls, He is singing over you. He is present in your deep sleep. He is there when you lay awake, whether in peace or panic, or somewhere in between. Even with the best evening practice to prepare for rest, sleep can be a struggle. Even when we pray and employ all the tools for getting a good night sleep, we may not get the rest we desire. 

I don’t have a hack for sleeping peacefully, but I do know that, whatever sleep cycle you are in, He is with you, singing over you. I challenge you to worry less about the sleep cycle you are in and let the night be a time for God to minister to your body, mind and soul. In other words, if sleep escapes you, let that time serve as time with God to grow in peace. Let that time diminish the anxiety, worry or panic you may feel in the night. Of course, we all want deep, renewing sleep, but if it’s not where you are, let go of the concern and find peace while God sings over you in the night. 

Remember Truth

Finally, remember that you could very well think of yourself as a master of everything on this Spiritual Reset list. But masters, we will never be.  We have a master to follow, mirror and grow into his reflection. We have a master that will make all things new one day, but not so much today. Go and do and be all of the things. But in your heart of hearts, know that all of it will fall just a little bit short. And, that’s okay because another day is coming. Remember what your King says to you: 

I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will they leave it. I will write on them the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on them my new name. Whoever has ears, let them hear… Revelation‬ ‭3‬:‭11‬-‭13‬

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How to Live Out Hope with Our Dreams

Be Strong How To Series

Dear friends, it’s been awhile for very good reasons. I’ve just had my second high school senior year as a mom. If any of you have asked me for senior year advise, I’ve told you to resign and decline from all the extras before this very unique year begins. Senior year as a mom is like having a part time job of the heart, mind and mom (man) power. For that reason, I resigned and declined from my writing to you in this season.

New Thoughts About Dreams

Now, I come to you with some new words. I’m sharing a poem or perhaps better described as prose that I wrote one night in between texting with my beloved sisters. I am sure you have a similar band of sisters. We keep in touch by text and by meeting every two months or so for a pow-wow as deep as the sea. 

I was the one of the sisters who was letting a child go. Because they know the feel of this season, they served me compassionately like a was a new mom finding her way. Soon before my daughter graduated, I had a wave of grieving. Good Lord, for so many reasons. In that time, I wrote a poem called, Just Like That – – which became one of the gifts I gave to my daughter as she moved into her new college season.

I’ve written about dreams over the years, including a bunch about dreams dying. For a person of faith, it may not sound like the most likely topic. I am extraordinarily grateful to embrace a philosophy that offers the utmost hope. I’ve also lived long enough to know that beauty from ashes treads a lot of pain. Dreams dying is a space of vulnerability and authenticity for me. I have to talk and write about it. I have a few new things to say.

The Story of Senior Year (In Part)

My daughter was badly injured during a dance performance ten days before her college auditions began for about ten fine arts programs. She was unable to dance for about two months and then quickly had to audition in the Spring for almost all the schools in a short span of time. 

Many of you know that my son had an injury his junior year of high school that ended his plan for college sports. My daughter’s injury immediately felt like another dream dying. We have these moments where our heads feel like they are being spun around in the washing machine with all we know to be true but having no understanding of which truth will be true in this set of circumstances. 

Dreams dying applies to a future you thought you would have and even worked very hard for. Dreams dying applies to relationships that look differently than you had hoped or planned for. Dreams dying applies to shifted plans and unexpected courses fueled by sin and choices that you don’t have control over. 

In the months that my daughter recovered and continued her path, I prayed scripture as I walked around my neighborhood. Really just one scripture specifically. Over and over. 

May the God of Hope fill you with joy and peace so that you may overflow with Hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

When Dreams Die

Dreams die a few times in a lifetime. We are not privy to outcomes in the thick of the difficulties of this life. This particular scripture was central for me because it excluded circumstance and outcome. Romans 15:13 directed me to my prayer for hope because God does not disappoint even when He doesn’t speak to life our dream the way we imagine it. The road to hope appears to be Joy and Peace, as we choose to believe in Him. So I asked for that too as I invited the Holy Spirit to overflow me with Hope. 

Isn’t that the real answer when all may be lost? Lord, give me Joy & Peace so that Hope may come by the power of the Holy Spirit. And, while God is the God of Love, this scripture tells us that God is also the God of Hope. That truth became so real to me. When it feels dark, He is not just there to love us in the moment but to give us the gift of Hope. We have the sustaining gift of Hope separate and apart from circumstances and outcome. 

What Shall We Do When Dreams Die?

The following encouragement comes from a continuing conversation with one of my sisters. We believe that moms especially need to know the Gift of Hope when it comes to dreams of your child and for your child. Over a lifetime of mothering, some of these dreams will shift even when you do not wish for it. Some will be delayed and it will hurt. Some will not be as you imagined and there will be pain in the loss. 

Dear sisters, prepare your hearts for this. If you don’t know your Lord as your God of Hope, some of these dying dreams could crush you. The dark side will try to use a delayed or shifted dream to kill a handful of other dreams that didn’t need to fall out. What shall we do?

In the thick of the mess, there is a higher calling to love like and hope like your Jesus. You will need to mirror Him over and over again in the holy ways of love and hope that make no sense to this world. You can choose love and hope even when you think all is lost. You can choose love and hope when your heart is breaking and there is no apparent return for the Christlike path. You can choose love and hope in your pain while you walk a road you didn’t plan for. My sister, you can choose love and hope by endurance and the encouragement of sisters and scripture. These are God’s promises. Romans 15:4-5. Love and hope is our only hope. 

Just Like That, Seasons Change

The title of my poem is Just Like That. The poem is about fighting and believing again and again until Just Like That, the season changes.

My daughter’s season did change. God miraculously allowed her to have a number of spectacular auditions with many open doors. Her story is not over with dance or outside of dance. Her story will be her own hike with Jesus through mountains and valleys with the most gorgeous views from both sides. I’m not the author of her journey, but I will gladly be in her periphery offering love and hope in every season. Until Just Like That, the season changes. 

Just Like That

Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ.
You are worth more than many sparrows.
You are beautiful.
Never give up.
Let go.
Become.
Keep going.
The sun will rise.

You are chosen.
It’s going to be okay.
Beauty comes from ashes.
Put on the full armor of God.
Cast your cares on Him.
Trust that He’s figuring it out.

You are loved.
The joy of the Lord is your strength.
Feel deeply.
Enter into peace.
Be courageous.
Fight.
Scripture is being fulfilled.

Let the light run wild.
Stand up to the boisterous sea.
Tell God’s truth.
God is within you.
Change the narrative.
Clear the path.
Be made new.
Rise again.

He is near.
The best is yet to come.
Fan the flame.
Try again.
Make up your mind to persevere.
Get unstuck.
Grace will catch you.
This is your moment.

You are more precious than rubies.
Dwell in what you do have.
Be patient.
Express authenticity.
Be brave again and again.
Remember the fullness of summer.
Love with your whole heart.
And, just like that, the season changed.

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How to Rewrite Unhealthy Expectations

How To Series

This post was born from a realization that I recently had about an unhealthy expectation. I’ve had this particular expectation about life since I was a teen. I never really thought about the validity of it. However, what I do know is that each time the expectation creeped up on me, I ended up feeling bad. Sort of loser-ish. This realization has lead me to decide it’s time to test my expectations and begin rewriting them!

What are expectations?

Expectations are our beliefs about what is likely to happen in the future. Anticipated outcome. Initially, we understand life through what is expected of us. Later we form expectations of others and of the world around us. Neuroscience tells us that we are happiest when our expectations are accurate. The opposite is also true. 

Expectations live in the small things like our daily tasks and schedules. For example, you expect to take thirty-five minutes to get ready before you leave the house for the day. You expect that Sunday will be more restful than Tuesday. You expect appointments to happen at or around their scheduled times. Even these “small” expectations are deeply rooted in us. When our expectations are met, we see our day as good or smooth. When they are not, we may see our day as bad or bumpy. 

Expectations also speak into bigger, meaningful parts of our lives like relationships, family and vocation. Think about where you thought you would be at this point in your life. Career. Marriage. Kids. Education. Friendships. Did you expect some things to change that didn’t? Did you expect some things to remain the same that changed? These “bigger” expectations are also deeply rooted in us. They vastly inform how we see, not just our day, but our life as working or not working, failing or succeeding. 

The Power of Expectations, Healthy & Unhealthy

Expectations have power over our perception of our lives in big and small things. For this reason, it makes good sense to consider our expectations and put them to the test. A handful of years ago, I had my own season of testing my expectations. I learned that – 

Healthy expectations are realistic, based on past experience and rooted in reliable truths.

It’s easy to let our expectations run wild in opposite directions. We can unrealistically believe for the best outcome. We can unrealistically expect the worst outcome. The first extreme sets us up for unnecessary disappointment and the second drums up anxiety and stress as we wait for the worst. 

As I mentioned, this post was born from a realization that I recently had about an expectation I have had about life since I was a teen. I have had the expectation that, as I grew older in age, life would become more and more secure. So, as an adult, when recurring hardships would arise, I would sometimes come to these two unhealthy conclusions such as –

Financial hardship should be of the past. Shouldn’t I have been smart enough or worked hard enough to rise above or be prepared for seasons of less? I should be financially secure by now.

Insecurity should be of the past. Why do I feel insecure or vulnerable even when I am genuinely loved? I should be secure within myself by now.

Put Your Expectations to the Test

As I considered the three-pronged expectation test, I asked myself the following:

  1. Is my expectation that life increases in security over time realistic?
  2. Is my expectation reflective of my past experiences or of persons that I know?
  3. Is my expectation based on reliable truth? 

Realistic?

Frankly, we don’t have control of the variables impacting our lives. For that reason, we can’t trust that security increases with age. Life is more like a roller coaster. We can decide how loud we’ll scream or if we will sit in the first row. But we don’t design the coaster (for the most part). 

On the coaster, we can acknowledge our fears and grab the one who promises to be with us, especially when we are upside down or speeding down fast. Believing that the coaster is not supposed to be filled with “sharp curves, steep slopes and other elements designed to produce a thrilling experience” is shifting sand. No, it’s not realistic to expect life to become more secure with age. Perhaps it makes more sense to believe that our relationship with God grows more secure with age (if we let it). 

Reflective?

My expectation that security increases with age hasn’t served me well before. For that reason, it will probably not serve me well now. When I measure my circumstances with this expectation, it usually contributes to sadness and less hope as I consider the hardship at hand. On the other hand, my actual life experience tells me that whenever I lose my bearings, God brings me close. In awfully hard times, he shows me new ways to trust him. He teaches me fresh ways to understand and believe his word. He shows me what I am capable of. God answers prayers. 

Reliable?

Is there a reliable truth that makes my expectation credible? Over the years, I’ve grown in wisdom and grit. I’ve learned that kindness, consistency and hope go a long way when life is hard. Yes, life experience over time grows character. But character is character, not security. In addition, my expectations tend to call down judgment upon myself over circumstances that I don’t have control over. My expectation leads me to overlook what God is up to in my life when things are difficult.

Let’s conclude that my expectation is not the healthy kind. That means it is time to rewrite my expectation. But first . . .

Why are we obsessed with expectations?

How did we get so attached to if/then thinking? Why do we like the future telling crystal ball so much? What is so attractive about anticipated outcomes?

I heard a great answer recently from biblical scholar N.T. Wright. He said we are obsessed with controlling and understanding outcome because – – 

We are children of the 19th century.

Professor and Biblical Scholar, N.T. Wright

I know, what kind of a great answer is that? Let me give you the context.

The 19th century is known for the rise of rationalism, utilitarianism and science. We (you and me) are the children of thinkers who shifted away from experience and intuition. We crave answers and we believe we can get them through empirical evidence and the scientific method. So, I am telling you that, not just as a generation, but as a millennium, rationalism is a broad-brush stroke that describes how we think. 

Can you relate to over rationalized thinking?

For example, we seek control by way of rational thinking like “if and then” statements or conclusions. We create expectations through calculations. If we are not careful, we can use intellect to pull God into our desire to calculate and control. We can insert our expectations of life and how we want to get from A to B right into God’s will for our lives.

At that point, we are stepping into the designer’s shoes. Because we are human and we want answers, we often try to wear shoes that explain, make sense or anticipate the sharp curves and steep slopes of our lives. We apply calculations to subject matter that requires far more complex thinking. Will you stop here with me for a moment and read that again? We apply calculations to subject matter that requires far more complex thinking. This is not a dig at your intelligence or mine. There is a far greater force at work that is unarguably beyond our comprehension.

What do you we do with unanswerable questions?

How does a man named Randy in hospice wake up after an induced coma and brain bleed and start intelligently engaging with his wife and kids?

Why does death look more like healing for my Aunt Randi who has been addicted to drugs her entire adult life?

How did I keep going long enough for the knife in my chest to heal after my oldest left for college?

How does God bring a friendship back after so much scar tissue?

How does a marriage find new ways to love over and over again through a lifetime lows and highs?

How can we believe that there is a whole eternal life ahead of us when the one we are currently living feels so linear?

Girls, I am on a roll. I can think of ten more unanswerable questions like this. So can you because you are also living in a time and space of limited knowledge and control, and also a space of unlimited love and grace. 

Expectations have power over our perception of small and big things in our lives. Put your expectations to the test. Weed out the unhealthy expectations within you. Give yourself grace in the sense that it is normal to desire control and to rely on rational, scientific if/then thinking. At the same time, acknowledge that there is a far greater force at work that is beyond our comprehension.

REWRITE UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS

Rewrite your if/then statements with open ended faith. Burn down your versions of crystal balls and tarot cards. Practice desiring freedom over control. Believe a story that is not masked with anticipated outcomes but embraces the designer’s adventure for us. You were not made to suffer under unhealthy expectations.

We are the children of the age of rationalism. But we are first children of God. We can crave answers and also decide to be filled with mystery. We can utilize intellect and also defer to a complex designer who is redeeming beyond our human comprehension. 

Dear sisters, this is how I rewrite my unhealthy expectation that security increases with age. Rather, I believe –

Over time and every time, God promises to be with me, especially when I am upside down or speeding down fast. God brings me close when I lose my bearings. In awfully hard times, God shows me fresh ways to trust and believe him. He places me among safe sisters who weather storms with me and stay in the room with me when my vulnerability is at its height. In difficult times, He shows me what I am capable of and that he answers my prayers. He helps me sit tight in unanswered questions and brings me to quiet waters. He teaches me that no matter what this moment is made of, His goodness and mercy follow me all the days of my life. 

Thoughtful Questions on Rewriting your Unhealthy Expectations:

Can you think of any expectations that are not working for you? If you can’t think of any, consider your childhood dreams, family background, your version of success or any big letdowns you have experienced. 

Once you have one or two of your expectations pinned, try the three-pronged test. Healthy expectations are 1) realistic, 2) based on past experience and 3) rooted in reliable truths. Can you rewrite your expectation to a healthy version?

What do you think about N. T. Wright’s statement that “we are children of the 19th century.” Do you find yourself analyzing primarily through rationalism and science? Can you intentionally incorporate intuition and experience into your thinking?

Do you remember any times in your life when the hand of God was beyond your comprehension? That’s the kind of thinking you can use to rewrite your expectations. Try it!

Love always,

Sasha

Hey girls, this post has me thinking a lot about character. I wrote a devotion called The Character Study: 14 Days of Growing Wisdom into Your Everyday. The backbone of this devotion is wisdom of the proverbs. You are invited to Download Day 1! Click Here.

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How to Ask For What You Need

Discover Fall How To Series

The Failed Enneagram Project

Last Spring, my good friend Sara and I attempted to listen to an audiobook on the enneagram. We both had read a starter book on the topic and figured we were on our way to something meaningful with book two in the series. Sara and I have in common that we are brainy leaning towards nerdish with learning and information; but honestly, most of our closest friends fall into that category.

The point is that we expected it to be fairly easy to become mediocre gurus on the enneagram. Mark my words, we did NOT become gurus on the enneagram. We made it through three sessions. I could not understand the triads. Sara had to explain wings to me. Then, we just stopped. Seriously, thank goodness. We were not onto something!

I suppose I could blame Sara since 7s give up when they get bored. I could also blame myself because 9s reflect others (through something called merging) and forget to have their own opinions. But Sara wouldn’t let me do that even if she was extremely bored. Like I said, we’re really good friends.

The Topic of this Blog?

Recently, when I asked blog readers to choose topics for me to write about this fall, Sara replied first. She picked this topic:

How to Ask For What You Need Whether You Get It Or Not

Her second pick was:

How To Be a Good Friend (Top 10 List)

If this blog post was for Sara only, I could merge these two topics.

Here’s why:

Sara and I have in common that we are married to our opposites. I know this is no big surprise that opposites often attract. But this is not your average cliché. Because we are married to our real, life opposites, there is a lot of our world that lives in the space of sisterhood. In other words, what doesn’t work in our marriages works out in friendships. So, it makes perfect sense that these two blog topics go well together.

Where do we go from here?

If you want more on the topic of friendship, then I am going to send you to a previous, popular blog post called This is a Messy Post About Authentic Friendship. I promise to write a Top 10 list very soon!

If you want more of finding your voice, Read on.

At the end of 2016, I lost my voice. I had never fully lost my voice before. Therefore, I had no idea what was happening or how to find my voice again. Losing your voice means that you no longer have actual words for what you are going through. You feel a sense of loss but can no longer describe your loss or know how to ask for what you need. Although I learned that I was depressed in that season of life, you don’t have to be depressed to lose your voice.

The Language of Requests

Here’s the deal my friends. There is a practice of living that helps you keep your voice or find your voice again if you’ve lost it. This practice is called the Language of Requests. I don’t know if that’s a universal term. My counselor, at the time, taught me this practice over a few years. I kept practicing it – – because it is hard for this enneagram 9. 9s tend to be happy to go along with whatever works for others and tune out. Thus, I keep practicing because this girl likes to swim at the bottom of the deep sea in her thoughts. If she stays in the deep too long without using her voice, she easily forgets to ask for what she needs.

What is the Language of Requests?

A substantive request.

Defined specifically.

Without an expectation of outcome.

Examples:

Friend, I am feeling sad. Would you hang with me by taking a walk at the beach with the dogs?

Roommate or spouse: Can you please do the dishes tonight before you watch the game?

I’d like you (employer) to cover my health insurance while I am on maternity leave.

Can you be my driver today while I run errands? (My actual dream)

These are substantive requests defined specifically.

No Expectations of Outcome

You can use your brain to think up words for the language of requests. But you will have to work on your heart when it comes to your expectations. The power within the language of requests is that you don’t NOT ASK because you suspect the answer is NO. You ask anyway. Yes! That is how you use your voice.

Whether with your spouse/significant other, friends or family, it can become easy to go with the flow. Some of that is a good thing. But when you lose yourself to a set of difficult circumstances, an unhealthy or toxic dynamic or a way of living that cuts off your needs and desires, you eventually sink. You lose your voice.

Spiritual Silence

Back in 2016 and much of 2017, I was so lost within myself that I could no longer hear my heavenly Father speaking to me. Yes, I lost his voice too. The loss of my own voice was a quiet falling that hurt, but the loss of my Father’s voice almost spiritually killed me. Those words sound dramatic. However, those words are truthful. The fraud of the silence kept me from so many godly promises.

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

Psalm 23:6

Don’t grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest.

Galatians 6:9

The Father is always at his work as is the Son.

John 5:17

Blessed are those who have not seen and believed.

John 20:29

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:5

Overcoming Dual Silence

The road back from this dual silence took several months, more likely years. I got brave (like the least amount of bravery one can muster to move one inch forward) and started to use the language of requests. I am sure my initial attempts were shaky and perhaps even went unnoticed. Seven years later, I can now ask for things that would have taken three weeks of preparation, several rehearsals and a therapy session.

As to the spiritual silence, I slowly learned to believe God’s promises over the quietness of my relationship with the Lord. I began to move into the freedom of the holy doubter’s tension where doubting and believing live together in faith. I chose to believe that He was speaking and working and moving in my life beyond my ability to hear or see. I learned to trust and hope with or without a tangible God.

Back to the Enneagram

Neither Sara nor I are the mediocre gurus we hoped to be. Even so, it is very fun to learn just a little. We both read The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. There is a chapter for each enneagram number. You can try to peg yourself and everyone you know as you read the book (which is what the book tells you not to do!).

If you prefer to do even less than that, but still want to have some fun, you can visit The Enneagram Institute and take the test for $12 or you can google to find a free test. From there, search your enneagram type on Pinterest and look at teachable images to learn more. That’s what I do! You can see what I have gathered by clicking here.

That’s all I got since I am less than a mediocre guru.

Love always,

Sasha

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How to Get Out of a Rut and Back to Adventure

How To Series

Have you ever found yourself in a rut?

I’m not talking about the kind of rut when you are bored with life. Some other time, we can talk about when life feels bland or dry.

This post is about when your stressors are in overdrive for far too long. Over months, you are rolling in and around potential outcomes that won’t or don’t come. Conflict that won’t resolve. Circumstances that don’t change. Attitudes that remain. The cycle of responsibilities that doesn’t ease up. Recovery that just feels too far off.

This is the kind of rut I am talking about: Routinely scraping the grind over and over without producing what you really want.

Girl Talk

Recently, I was talking to my friend Sara (we use the same goal planner) and asked if she has ever lost a week, weeks or even a month where she hadn’t connected with her monthly or annual goals or daily tending list. Basically, I asked her if she’s ever unintentionally blew off personal check ins for any period of time.

**I define personal checks ins as those set aside times when you ask yourself how you’re doing, what you’re doing and if your days, weeks and months align with your values, priorities and annual goals.

Sara replied, yes, that has happened to her.

This just happened to me. My goal planner was blank for the month of April. In addition to little or no personal check ins, there was no monthly brainstorming or encouraging words, no stated priorities, no listed action items or tracking of weekly rhythms or daily habits. That’s a lot to miss. Instead of asking myself logical questions, I found myself on the toilet.

Sitting on the Toilet

After I had rambled to God for more than an hour in the early morning hours, I headed to the bathroom to pee. While I was sitting on the toilet, I continued with my in a rut questions. God, am I going to be okay? Followed by, I think am going to give up.

When I was sitting on the toilet, I was totally aware of how ridiculous my rut rambling was. First, I will always be okay because He will always be on the throne. Inherently, I knew that as I asked the question to God for more than an hour.

Second, what exactly am I giving up on? The marriage we have fought so hard for. The kids who I long to show up for every day. The girlfriends that love me to my bones. My extended family who hangs in there in thick and thin. The job I have so that I can earn money for our family. Which one of those gifts will I be throwing in the towel?

The Linchpin

When the connection between your everyday and your life’s values and goals disconnect, you get caught in a rut. The rut in the mud is deepened each time you pass over the same conflicts, circumstances, attitudes and responsibilities without resolution. The rut gets muddier as you circle back around the stubborn situations that just keep persisting.

As you go back and forth over the rut, you expend more emotional and mental energy plus your precious time. In these seasons, we naturally, yet unintentionally, knock out the activities, expressions and relationships that ground us. We start to feel like we are walking on a cracked sidewalk. We feel unsteady and begin asking questions that aren’t representative of who we are or whose we are.

Back to the Toilet

As I sat on the toilet that morning, God simply said:

Let’s go do something together.

As I thought about the possibility of adventure, God reminded me that there are a few core things that ground me and make me feel alive. He reminded me that I love writing to you and I love thinking of ideas for my bible study. As he reminded me of these two things that had been pushed out by my stubborn circumstances, he said,

Let’s go do those things together.

Although I know what I love to do, I never quite realized that writing and bible study are the same things that he desires to do with me. When I step away for longer than necessary to address life’s complications, I lose my time where I adventure with him. I lose the excitement of dreaming of the things only he could plant in my little human mind for my joy and his joy.

My creative life is the one thing that I do with him. My friend Susie pointed out to me years ago that my creative life is just like spending quiet time with him or doing a devotional. This part of my life depends solely on my connectedness to him.

Just the Facts, Ma’am

When we are not living out our very individualized, creative identity that he made for us to do with him, we lose our sense of walking on a firm foundation. We lose our sense of adventure. He has made us people who thrive when we are setting out to do things with him. When we are not, we lose touch with the parts of our lives that qualify as our great adventure. Instead of feeling alive, we end up feeling like we are walking on a cracked sidewalk.

My Testimony of Adventure

When I walk with him on El Mar Drive in the morning sunshine, everything around me begins to speak. You know, even the rocks cry out in worship. When we adventure together in this way, I remember

  • I don’t enjoy walking on cracked sidewalks and how glorious it feels to be grounded in him.
  • It is him, and only him, that feeds my soul.
  • He has more to say than I could ever imagine.
  • He really doesn’t have anything better to do than to dwell with me and in me.
  • Everything is held together by his wisdom, his hands and his great, everlasting love.
  • Nothing is unknown to him.
  • He deeply stretches out himself before every one of us.

When I remember that kind of love, I understand that my adventures with him give me the answers to my questions like – will I be okay and can I keep going? He has already done all of the work. We are saved in him. Therefore, we will be okay. We don’t need to give up because he will never give up. For these reasons, we can get up and go on adventures with him.

Questions for Thought

Have you felt a little off kilter lately?

Have you been asking questions that aren’t reflective of your identity in Christ?

Have you briefly lost touch with the adventures God loves to go on with you?

How long has it been since you have set aside time for a personal check in? If it’s been awhile, stop for a few minutes now. How are you doing? What are you doing? Do your days, weeks and months align with your values, priorities and annual goals?

Think beyond the actual hard things going on in your life. In this moment, can you list the things the Lord desires to do with you? What is your adventure with him?

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